CHAPTER TWELVE

Summary

To open this chapter, Landon tells us that Jamie has leukemia and she has known about it since the previous summer. As soon as she tells him, everything becomes absolutely clear: why she had wanted Landon to do the play; why Hegbert had called her his angel; why her father had fretted about him coming to the house; why she wanted the special Christmas for the orphans; why she didn't think she'd go to college; and why she had given him her Bible. All he can do is whisper, No, no, there has to be some mistake. She tells him again and Landon looks around them and sees people doing everyday normal things, things he wouldn't even have noticed before. He sees it all now, because his sweet Jamie is dying. They cry together on the street for a long time and they cry again when Hegbert opens the door and knows that Jamie has told the truth. They cry once more when they tell Landon's mother later that afternoon and the tears flow - no, the wails begin - throughout the town when Hegbert tells the congregation the following Sunday morning.

Jamie and her father patiently answer all of Landon's questions about how treatment (available at that time) had failed, but that she hasn't shown any real sign of the disease until the last few weeks. He agonizes that maybe she shouldn't have done the play because of the stress and rigor of the practices. But Jamie assures him, Maybe doing the play was the thing that kept me healthy for so long. She had been given a year, maybe less, to live and that seven months had passed since the doctor had told her that. Now, only a miracle can save her.

On January 10, 1959, Landon asks Jamie why she hadn't told him, the one question he hadn't asked her when she first revealed the truth, and the one question he's about thinking about the most. She tells him that she had made a decision that it would be better not to tell anyone, because no one would even be able to look her in the eye. Knowing she has such a short time to live, she decides she doesn't want to see that every time people look at her.

Landon is also living in fear now, not just for Jamie, but also for himself. He's afraid that he will do something wrong, that he might say something to offend her. It makes talking to her difficult, but Jamie is very patient with him and even seems to have more strength than he does.

On the following Monday, she doesn't show up for school and Landon somehow knows that she's never going to walk the hallways there again. He cuts his afternoon classes and goes to her house. She kisses him cheerfully, and he asks her, How can you do this? How can you pretend that nothing is wrong? She responds that she's not pretending. She's just accepting. She also reveals that she's not coming back to school so that she can spend time with her father in the mornings before he goes to work. When Landon asks if she's frightened, it takes her a long time to answer, but she finally says, Yes, I'm frightened all the time. She admits that she doesn't act like it in front of him, because she knows that he is frightened, too.

From that day on, Landon begins to pray for a miracle, because as he has already admitted, only a miracle will save her now. He knows that miracles are possible, because he saw Old Man Sweeny, the baker, healed of his deafness at a revival meeting. The preacher there had said, The Lord can do anything. The Lord listens to our prayers. So, Landon opens Jamie's Bible and begins to read, something he has never done before. He can't put it down. It is a compulsion that he doesn't fully understand. Late one night, he comes across a particular Psalm that is underlined, I cry to you, my Lord, my rock! Do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent, I shall go down to the pit like the rest. Hear my voice raised to petition as I cry to you for help, as I raise my hands, my Lord, toward your holy of holies. He closes the Bible with tears in his eyes, because he knows she has underlined it for him.

Landon then seeks out his mother, begging her to help him understand what he should do about Jamie and him. She asks him what his heart is telling him to do and when he tells her that he doesn't know, she says, Maybe you're trying too hard to hear it. He tries the next time he sees Jamie to just talk about normal, everyday things and even though she nods at the appropriate times, they both know it's just not right. So, Landon turns once again to the Bible.

The next time he sees her, Jamie has started to show more signs of her illness. Despite her pale complexion, her bones showing through her skin, and the bruises on her body, Landon thinks she looks beautiful. He thinks that time seems to be slowing down and speeding up at exactly the same time.

He tells Jamie that he has been reading the Bible and wonders why God was so mean to Job. She says she doesn't know, but when he asks her if she sometimes feels like Job, she says yes. However, she says she hasn't lost her faith, because it's the only thing she has left. After that, they begin reading the Bible together which seems like the right thing to do and something that Landon can do to help. But his heart keeps telling him that there has to be something more.

Reading the Bible together makes conversation smoother, because they can talk about what they believe and the faith they hold. It allows them to become closer and she even comes to dinner at Landon's house once more. He asks her there how her father is holding up and Jamie admits he's not doing too well, a worry that she carries constantly. She also asks him if he'll continue to come see her even when she's in the last stages of her illness. He promises that he'll be there as long as she wants him to come. He tells her again that he loves her and finally, Jamie says, I love you, too. They are the words he's been praying to hear.

Although Hegbert still doesn't like it when Landon is in his house when he isn't there, he allows Landon to come in and be with Jamie everyday after school. Landon knows that part of the reason he has given in has to do with his own need to have some time alone. By the end of January, the weather is too cold for her to sit outside anyway.

The two of them read the Bible together everyday and everyday, there are knocks at the door with people dropping by to say hello and even bring food. One day, Eric and Margaret come over while Landon is with Jamie. Eric sets an envelope on the table for Jamie and tells her he wanted to let her know how he feels: he's never been sorrier in his life for how he has treated her and that now he knows that she's probably the best person he's ever known. Jamie weeps along with Eric and Margaret and opens her arms to embrace them in forgiveness. As they leave, Eric tells her that he'll be praying for her and so will everyone else. After they're gone, Jamie opens the envelope to discover that Eric has collected over $400 for the orphanage. Someone else is finally growing up as well.

Landon continues to wait for the miracle, but it doesn't come. By February, Jamie's pain medication has to be increased, but she doesn't like how dizzy it makes her, so she reduces it and lives with the pain. But Landon can see how weak she's becoming and how she continues to lose weight. Eventually, the pain becomes too much and she accepts the medication and the dizziness once more. He says to himself, I am running out of time, and my heart is still telling me that there is something more I can do.

On Valentine's Day, Jamie reads the well-known passage from Corinthians beginning, Love is always patient and kind . . . She says she wants it read at her wedding. Landon thinks she is the true essence of that very description.

Three days later, the temperature warms up enough for Landon to take Jamie to Bogue Banks, an island right off the coast of Beaufort, North Carolina. Those who live on the island can experience magnificent sunrises and sunsets over the expanse of the Atlantic Ocean. He bundles Jamie up heavily to keep her warm and supports her as they watch the moon seem to rise from the sea while at exactly the same moment the sun is meeting the horizon in the opposite direction. The moon casts a prism of light over the darkening water while the sun turns the sky red, orange, and yellow, as if heaven above had suddenly opened its gates and let all its beauty escape its holy confines. As the light slowly disappears and the stars begin to shine, Landon gently kisses both her cheeks and finally her lips, saying, That is exactly how I feel about you.

Jamie begins to make more frequent trips to the hospital, but she refuses to stay overnight, because she wants to die at home. One day, while Landon is sitting with her on the couch, he notes that she knew when she first saw him in Miss Garber's class that he was going to do the play, and that she also knew that he would fall in love in love with her even though she made him promise not to. She smiles with a mischievous gleam in her eyes and says yes. When he asks her how she knew all this, she answers, When I told you that I was praying for you, what did you think I was talking about?

In March, the progression of Jamie's disease speeds up and it looks as though dying at home won't be an option. Then, Landon's parents step in. His mother calls his father home from Washington, saying, This about our son, who happens to be in love with a little girl who needs our help. And you're going to find a way to help her. They help they provide consists of complete around-the-clock hospital care, so Jamie can stay at home. That night, Landon cries on his father's should for the first time.

One day, Landon asks Jamie if she has any regrets. She says yes, but she believes she has lived a wonderful life, a life that has even given her someone she loves and who loves her back. They both admit they're still afraid and Landon begs to himself, Please, Lord, tell me what to do! He leaves with a kiss on her cheek just as Hegbert enters her room. Hegbert gives him a look that lets him know he has broken the rules of the house and Landon knows that had Jamie not been ill, he never would have been allowed back in her house again.

When he gets home, Landon asks his mother if she thinks they have a purpose in life and how do we know what we're supposed to do. She recognizes that Landon thinks he should be doing more for Jamie, but when he asks her if these feelings of hopelessness can ever be stopped, she just puts her arms around him and tells him no.

Jamie becomes weaker and weaker, no long able to get out of bed and sleeping for hours at time, even when Landon is with her. He just keeps asking himself why his life has unraveled as it has and is it really all part of the Lord's Plan as Jamie believes. As winter begins to turn into spring, Landon is struck by how life comes back even as Jamie lays dying. He sees cards made by the orphans by her bedside and is awed by the one drawn by Roger showing a bird soaring above a rainbow. Then, he discovers a newspaper clipping of them in the play, the only picture taken of the two of them together. He sees only radiant happiness in Jamie's face, nothing of what she knew was to come. He continues to read the Bible as Jamie sleeps and eventually comes to another passage that strikes him, I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it to the earnestness of others. Suddenly, he knows that God has finally answered him and he knows what he has to do.

Immediately, Landon runs to the church and makes his way to Hegbert's office. Hegbert tries to get Landon to leave as he wants to be alone to somehow deal with Jamie's dying, but Landon persists. After he tells Hegbert what he has on his mind, the older man can only look out the window in shock at what Landon has proposed. Then, Landon leaves to return to Jamie, knowing that her father hasn't said no, and that now he must ask Jamie himself.

He sees that Jamie is awake and that her smile tells him she's still fighting. He kisses her and asks her if she loves him and whether she wants him to be happy. Of course, her answers to both questions are yes. Then, he asks her if she can do something for him and she says she would if she could, but she doesn't think she can anymore. He marvels at how beautiful he thinks she is and he knows that he wants to give her something that she's always wanted. It is what his heart has been telling him all along and so he squeezes her hand and asks her if she will marry him.

Notes

This very long chapter is a series of vignettes showing how Landon, his family, and the town come to deal with Jamie's illness. They all go through those stages of grief: shock, denial, sadness, anger, and back again. But Landon seems to be suffering the most. He is obsessed with finding a way to respond to her dying that is appropriate and right. But he struggles, and in the struggling, he finds other comforts: Jamie herself and the strength of her faith, the reading of the Bible to find a way to deal with the reality; the many friends who come by to offer prayers and support. But in all of these comforts, there is still no answer. It's only when he finds the passage in the Bible that he knows what his heart and God have been telling him all along - marry Jamie and fulfill the wish she had told him about in Mr. Jenkins' office at the orphanage back in December.

The other important aspect of this chapter is the author's emphasis on Landon's search for a miracle. One miracle has already taken place - Landon has found purpose to his life through God, the scriptures, and prayer. But he wants the miracle that doesn't seem possible - a cure for Jamie. He keeps praying for it and he follows his heart and what God seems to be telling him. However, the reality is that all he can do for her is fulfill her final wish and marry her with all their friends around them. That may be the only miracle he will ever be able to find.